Author: hrtristram

Many times, I have experienced shame around things that are, essentially, just one of the many aspects of being human.

I have also felt that shame dissolve significantly when simple conversations or exchanges reveal that everything one can experience, will have been experienced in some similar fashion by other people. You are not isolated in your human-ness, and by meeting it you are learning more about the human race – pleasant or not – and not just learning in isolation about the bizarreness of living in your own (unique and common) human body and mind.

By normalising and talking about (and/or reading/writing about) things you feel secretive/shameful over, you can gain perspective. You can feel more connected to other folks’ human experiences, by sharing yours and hearing theirs. You can realise that  you’re just doing your version of what everyone else is doing – dealing with the difficulties, perks and quirks of being human.

Feeling shame about your experiences is often an extra burden on top of the experiences themselves. Sometimes shame or guilt can be useful information about our personal moral compass / moral training, but more often than not it is an unnecessary extra burden, that only makes life harder and less pleasant. We are all living in similar strange bodies that go wrong, are surprising, are both disgusting and beautiful, sometimes in impressive measure. We are a strange miracle, but we are pretty wondrous.

When your body goes wrong, it can feel unsettling to have to consider your body like some sort of IKEA project that’s made up of different parts tessellating or breaking or fitting or coming loose or getting stuck or falling over or weakening etc. It’s unnerving to look at the fragility and viscerality of one’s existence too closely. It can sometimes feel so very separate to (or different from) the essence of our spirit, so removed from our personalities and preferences, and our sense of life purpose. I think that sense of separateness between spirit and body can feel greater when our bodies go wrong. When we’re in good physical working order, it’s easier to vibrantly express our spirits through our bodies, and to do all the things that we want, yearn to and need to do.

I sometimes get angry/sad/deflated/shameful/etc. when illness and human physical survival functions take up too too much of my time and energy, and feel like they are wasting life’s short days, because that is “not what I’m here for!” (eg I don’t feel like I’m here on this earth simply to survive; I feel like I am here for many other wonderful and important things, and I get annoyed when my ability to further these things is so very, very compromised by my weak human body). But like it or not, we weird bags of blood and bones and goop have to focus lots of our energy on simply surviving – and a lot more so when our bodies go wrong, get ill, wear out. It’s a real kick to the ego, and a wearying anchor to the spirit, when our body’s functioning has to take up so much of our attention and energy that we don’t have any/much left for our spiritual lives, our sense of purpose, our work, and the things we want to do, need to do, and are expected to do.

Something that helps integrate physical reality and spiritual connection (or aliveness of the personality, call it what you like), is talking honestly with people we feel comfortable with, about exactly what’s going on. Being heard in your gritty ‘orrible human experiences, and met with empathy, sympathy and understanding, can help take away the shame and isolation of dealing with life’s physical setbacks, problems and limitations. Taking time to focus on others in addition, when you can muster some energy for communicating, taking time to hear them and their day to day stories, fosters depth of connection, and your sense of being able to contribute by making someone else feel heard and understood (even if just with a text or a phone call). It also takes your focus out of your own situation for a time, and exchanges such as these can help make all the stuff that is not okay, more okay / easier to be with.

I’m feeling very grateful right now for the kind people who’ve listened to me recently, and responded with humanness and warmth to my tough stuff, and who’ve also shown me / shared about themselves, and helped me feel present and meaningful even when my body’s in a bit of a shut down period.

Now then, what’s my point? Ah yes, not hiding our human-ness. Obviously, I’m not saying you should share your innermost secrets to people you don’t trust to be kind to you or who don’t want to hear how you really are, nor am I suggesting you should go mega TMI on social media (but you know, it’s your platform so if it’s not hate speech or harming anyone, share away!). But what I am saying is, if you are lucky enough to have some people or platforms who you trust to be kind, it can be very beneficial for everyone, when people share genuinely about their human experiences, and drop the masks of pretending to be superhuman superheroes. I’ll choose Human superheroes over superhuman ones, because understanding other humans and helping them feel okay and understood, is a superpower in itself.

So, yeah, you’re not alone in whatever you’re experiencing, and if you have people or a platform (eg facebook group, support group, a professional, a close friend, a family member etc) that you feel is relatively safe for you, I encourage you to share your human-ness a bit, or maybe a bit more.

Also, thanks to my wonderful friends and contacts and family recently who have helped me to not feel too gross/weak as a whole human just because my body is being gross/weak. Understanding, connecting, and being understood and accepted, is quite a potent magic for making hard stuff easier to negotiate. Thank you!

Love and respect to you humans, HR xo

Bi+ & Pan, Attraction Beyond Gender, Consensual & Non Consensual personal language changes, LGBTQ+ community supporting each other, not bullying each other, and stuff like that.

So, I’ve seen lots of things around recently about Bisexuality and Pansexuality that have really, really gotten under my skin. I tried to brush them off at first as minor irritations or inclarities, but the fact is that they really, really trigger a lot of the awful feelings of displacement, being misunderstood, not being accepted, and not being respected, that I have experienced as a Bisexual person. They have triggered a lot of the anxiety that my experiences as a Bisexual person have quite rightfully created. Anxiety which, at its root, is about being shoe-horned out of existence, is about socially “not existing” because the majority of people misunderstand you, or do not accept or understand that you exist, and roughly how you exist, and do not respect or accept those even if they did understand.

So there’s a new word on the block for describing attraction beyond gender, and that word is “pan” or “pansexuality.” Both bisexuality and pansexuality mean experiencing the ability to feel attraction to people of multiple genders, and from a broad spectrum of genders, and sometimes regardless of gender. They both mean that the person using them is not limited to one gender in terms of who they can experience attraction to.

Beyond that, how individual people use the words will be as varied as there are humans around to use them. For example, using a different identity word to make my point, not all lesbians will have exactly the same experience of sexuality, but their experiences and preferences are similar enough to the general definition of the word that it feels like a comfortable (enough) fit.

So far so good, right? We have different words, which help different people exist socially, find others similar to them, call out discrimination, understand themselves, ask for rights and respect etc. All good. And whilst it might seem from where I’m sitting that Pan and Bi mean a very similar / roughly the same thing, that doesn’t mean that the word Pan isn’t needed. If some people who hadn’t been able to find a well-fitting word for themselves previously, find that this newer word fits (and all the good things that come with that) – then that’s wonderful, important, valid and great.

However, some Pan identifying people, have been partly defining pansexuality, by falsely redefining bisexuality as transphobic and/or averse to people of non binary genders. OUCH. This is hurtful and bad news and problematic on so many levels.

ONE – CONTEXT. Many Bisexual identifying people are also trans and/or Non Binary, or gender-queer in one way or another. Nobody has stated “I categorically am unattracted to anybody genderqueer or trans” as an accurate aspect of bisexuality. Anybody stating this is expressing transphobia or a cisnormative narrative, which has nothing to do with bisexuality or the ability to experience ‘attraction beyond gender’ (which is what bisexuality means). Transphobes, and people who do not accept gender queerness, come in all sorts of different contexts and identities, unfortunately. But transphobia and cisnormativity are most definitely not and have never been part of what is means to be Bisexual (eg, to experience attraction beyond gender). Transphobia / cisnormativity is not a sexual identity; it’s a prejudice.

TWO – CONSENT. When Pan identifying people add this false (and frankly insulting and very inaccurate and narrow) redefinition of bisexuality to what Pan means in contrast, they effectively redefine the existence of Bisexual people without their consent, and also shoe horn Bi people into using the word Pan instead, for fear of being misunderstood as transphobic or averse to NB or genderqueer folk. A really nasty way of going about introducing a new word to the flourishing LGBTQ+ vocabulary – by uprooting, discrediting and make a slur on the name of those who have fought for their very right to exist as folks who experience attraction beyond gender. Not cool, kids. 

Whilst it is of course fine and sometimes essential and wonderful to look for and create new words to define oneself (as Pan identifying and other people have done recently – bravo), it is absolutely not okay to instruct others that the words they use (and have fought for existence with for years) have had their meanings rewritten (via social media articles and memes mainly), and that they now apparently mean something that’s basically about bigotry and exclusion – the opposite of what Bi+ people have been fighting for all these years.

If Pan folk were saying “it’s important people know I experience attraction beyond gender and that my identity is potentially inclusive of all genders, and here’s the word I feel comfortable with, please use it,” that would be fine. What is absolutely not fine, however, is Pan folk saying, “Bi+ people are not inclusive of trans, non binary or gender variant / genderqueer people. Bi+ people also have no say in this. We have decided.”

This bulldozer kind of behaviour erases the current and past existence of Bi+ people who are not bigots, and unnecessarily puts people at odds with each other who should really be lifting each other up, not acting like insensitive bullies. By attempting to change the definition of Bi, without the consent of Bi people, Pan folk are doing quite an act of violence (and one which could potentially cause division in the LGBTQ+ community where there needs to be mutual support and mutual allyship). And in response to this violence against them, some Bi people are retaliating defensively by saying things like “Pan is unnecessary” or generally not accepting the existence of this new word in the LGBTQ+ vocabulary; and then we just have a spiral of (upsetting and unnecessary) online hate, because, humans and defensiveness and fear, when what we SHOULD have are people with similar experiences, listening to each other, and lifting each other up. Not folks speaking for each other and over each other in dismissive, inaccurate, unkind, cruel, reactive and erasing ways. We should be listening to each other, acting respectfully, and lifting each other up.

THREE – Further Context – Defining Pan by attacking Bi+ folk through attempting to rewrite what Bisexual means without the consent of Bisexual people, and by attaching bigotry to the meaning of Bisexual, utterly dismisses all the very, very hard work that Bi+ people have been doing for years, in support of all LGBTQ+ people and in support of their own existence as people who experience attraction beyond gender. And it is this work which, in part, allows Pan identifying people to have the social space in which to create this further language and be taken more seriously, and heard more widely.

By attempting to rewrite what Bi+ means, wrongly and without consent, Pan folk are erasing and insulting the existence, the experience and the hard work of lots of Bi+ people over many years. This is so massively not okay! I’ve been through hell and highwater fighting for a place to exist and to be understood and taken seriously and accepted, even within the LGBTQ+ community, because of being Bi+ (experiencing attraction beyond gender), and I’ve put my neck on the line plenty so that both I and others like me can be respected and accepted in queer communities, and elsewhere. Effectively shitting on the work I have done and the hardships I have faced by saying that actually I don’t exist after all unless I change the word I use, that I will be misunderstood as a bigot unless I change the word I use, is just so violent. It’s gotten really deep under my skin.

And there are others who’ve done far more than me – I started off “Bi+ Pride UK” with a wonderful colleague, and they and the team have now taken the organisation to charity status, and do fantastic work assisting those who experience attraction beyond gender (however they identify), to have better lives, to feel proud, and get that it’s okay to be Bi+ and/or to experience any of the spectrum of attraction beyond gender. See https://biprideuk.org/about/. They don’t deserve to have their work shat on by a few Pan folk trying to rewrite what Bi means as bad. They are there to serve everyone who experiences attraction beyond gender, and they deserve better. I deserve better. All Bi+ people deserve better. The Bi+ people in the riots that started off the entire Pride movement, and the Bi+ people working today, deserve better. And none of us want all this division and disrespect.

FOUR – Implied transphobia on the part of people redefining Pan, then projected onto Bi people. Yuck. To quote a friend on the internet who I was discussing this with: “Assuming someone who says they’re attracted to men and women only means cis men and cis women shows a lurking transphobia on the part of the person assuming that. Trans men ARE men. Trans women ARE women.” Yes, exactly so! At no point at all in my explorations of being Bi+ and of working with and for Bi+ people, at no point has anyone linked their ability to experience attraction beyond gender, with any sort of aversion to non binary or trans folk. Because there is no link. It’s a bizarre and problematic thing to push/project onto a whole group of people – especially a whole group of people who have been working for YOUR RIGHTS all this time anyway! Not to mention also, obviously, that plenty of Bi+ identifying people are also trans and/or Non Binary and/or gender variant / gender queer.

FIVE – It’s not okay to tell other people how to identify. In any context. It’s not okay to tell other people how to identify. Lots of people mean different things by similar words. And it’s never okay to tell someone else how to identify. They can mean something different by the same word and that’s okay. They can mean the same thing by a different word and that’s okay. What’s not okay is to undercut someone’s autonomy by telling them how to identify.

When Pan folk tell people who experience attraction beyond gender (and who are not bigoted towards trans/NB/gender queer people), that they are therefore not Bi but Pan, they take away / undermine the autonomy of the person they are instructing, as well as insulting all Bi+ identifying people. By redefining Bi in a negative and bigoted manner, and transferring the general meaning of Bi onto Pan instead, it’s a kind of emotional blackmail, whether intended to be or not, as some Bi people will feel forced to change the way they identify to make sure they are not mistaken for being anti-trans or anti gender-queer or anti-NonBinary.

It’s a really nasty shoe horn kind of move, whether intended or not, and it really sucks for Bi+ identified people, and for the unity of LGBTQ+ people working together for a better world for us all. My hope is that people will come to accept Pan and Bi as words for similar types of identity, neither of which has anything to do with being averse to trans/genderqueer/NB folk, and both of which have to do with attraction beyond gender. My hope is that people can express what they personally mean by the intricacies of these identity-words, without cutting down other people. My hope is that Pan folk will stop destroying the work and existence of Bi folk, and that Bi folk will then feel safe to welcome Pan folk under the beautiful Bi+ Umbrella, where we can help keep each other safe from the storms, and generally do what we’re supposed to do – build each other up, not kick each other down.

SIX – Bi people experience erasure and biphobia from so many different angles. People telling them they are actually straight or actually gay or actually lesbian, people not listening to them, people denying them access to queer spaces if they are in a different-gender relationship, people projecting awful stereotypes onto them, people making assumptions, people telling them they don’t exist, people telling them they are too queer here and too straight there, plus you can look at all the statistics and see higher rates of various difficult things for Bi+ people.

This is already a huge amount to contend with, without the other non-monosexual people turning on them too, and telling them that the word they have found to cling to and come out with and ask for rights for amidst all the above difficulties, is having its meaning changed and erased, without consulting them, and that they now don’t exist again, or at least exist in a more conflicted way.

Just when Bi+ finally was starting to feel like a solid and accepted identity, some people, who should understand the struggles, have set it afloat again by falsely attaching bigotry to it and projecting false and narrow gender restrictions upon it. It – really – hurts. And it’s super challenging. And it shouldn’t be. This is not a situation we should have to be dealing with. We should not be trampling our various queer siblings in order to exist for ourselves – we should be walking side by side.

I fear that if this false redefinition of Bisexual catches on, it will make life even harder for those who experience attraction beyond gender, for those looking for the right words for themselves and for those who have already found them and now find them changed without their consent. I also fear it could normalise the transphobia and gender bigotry that many people – including many Bi+ people, and including this Bi+ person – are working hard to combat.

Please Pan folk, don’t cut Bi people down in order to build yourselves up. There is space for you in the rainbow, in the queer communities, there is room for everything you stand for – you don’t have to trample on others in order to claim that space.

SEVEN – Respect – if Pan folk had come in and said, “here’s another word for attraction beyond gender. I like it better. This is what I want you to use for me. I respect Bi+ people too and I want us to keep working together for visibility, equality, understanding and rights. Plus here are some extra things that I mean by the label Pan [which don’t include redefining Bi+ in a bad light], for clarification. Not everyone will mean exactly these but that’s what I mean. Keep loving who you love and being who you are! Pan Pride, Bi Pride, Big love to my Bi+ and Pan siblings!”

If Pan folk had come in saying something along those lines, then that would be fabulous and cause no problems. That would be how things should be. Instead, we’ve seen Pan folk disrespecting Bi+ folk and acting in an insensitive, unthoughtful, misinformed, bulldozery manner. We’ve seen Bi folk reacting defensively to that, and being less inclined to accept a new word for similar experiences because the way it’s being presented falsely changes their identity without their consent. And then we’ve seen an onslaught of people being nasty to each other online, who should be respecting each other, helping each other forward, listening to each other, acting accordingly when they listen, and ultimately lifting each other up!

It may be that there’s something else that Pan means that I have yet to understand – I acknowledge that, and I look forward to finding out more once the nastiness stops and the respectful behaviour increases.

But I also want it to be known that it is very bad form to non-consensually redefine others in a narrow and bigoted light in order to define yourself.

Just as two different experiences sitting next to each other do not need to pose a threat, so also, two very similar experiences sitting next to each other and using different words for their similar experiences, also do not need to threaten or erase each other, either.

There is room for us all, being who we are – so long as we don’t bulldoze other people in the process.

To quote my own song (sorry),

“Be who you are, just be who you are, your beauty is of the stars. Let it shine and be who you are!”

“You’ve a right to be here. You’ve a right to be you. And be celebrated too!”

“Be who you are, be who you are, let every moment unfold!”

“You don’t have to push yourself to be the same, they say that a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet!”

To quote the Bible,

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”

To quote what I’m thinking right now and have seen in many a pleasant meme:

“Be kind. You have no idea what someone else is going through.”

Very proud of GLOWchoir Brighton and friends! Here is a beautiful memento video of our Winter Sharing 2018, which raised £100 for MindOut, and lifted many spirits! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHJj8GX0MJ8

Strength, Gentleness, the Human Voice, Dismantling “Feisty.”

Isn’t it wonderful how gentleness and strength are not opposites, and are in fact facets of each other, in some ways.

I feel both gentle and strong, in different ways in different circumstances in changing waves.

I see interconnectedness between gentleness and strength in many areas. For example, human psychological qualities that complement and are essential parts of each other; physical qualities that complement and are sometimes part of each other; the subtleties of any internal or external activity that require a beautiful mixture of different types of strength and of gentleness.

In giving voice, speech and singing, we utilise a mix of strength and gentleness. Which muscle groups and body areas you engage, and how, and which you relax and release, and how, can have a huge impact on the sound you make, how you feel whilst making it, how people receive it; and how long you can sustain making that vocal quality.

Excess muscle effort/tension in some areas of the body can restrict vocal freedom, cause strain, and reduce resonance and vocal stamina. Voice teachers talk about ‘support,’ usually referring to connecting vocalisations with gentle diaphragmatic, abdominal & intercostal muscle engagement, whilst exhaling with sound. Lack of this support can make vocal use unsustainable, feel/sound weak/quiet, or lead to straining in compensation.

To help find the right balance of strength and gentleness for best vocal use, singers need to learn to release abdominal tension completely (so no pilates-held stomachs!), to allow a deep, natural (may not feel natural at first depending on breathing habits) and diaphragmatic inhale; and also need to learn to engage and use various abdomen and torso muscles on the vocalised exhale to help support healthy vocal use. They also need to learn to release tension from areas in which holding tension can restrict vocal potential – eg jaw, shoulders, neck, tongue, whole body in general!

Of course, worrying about “getting it right” can also cause mental and physical tension, and can get in the way of the human ability to play, explore, learn and develop. This means that a more relaxed and playful approach to progress can often (paradoxically but also logically) mean that progress tends to happen faster, and more enjoyably! Also, taking everything with a pinch of metaphorical salt (this is a strength and a gentleness) continues to be important – if you are breathing, you’re alive – win! Everything beyond that can be interesting explorations, and getting in a tizzy isn’t generally helpful (nor is getting in a tizzy about getting in a tizzy). We’re all human and we probably all have “perfection police” of a kind – but if you can be gentle and strong enough to see them, turn down the volume on them and save their input for later, I have found this makes for much more satisfying, fruitful and effective singing lessons (and other activities too).

A bit like in the work of Alexander Technique teachers, and some other body work practitioners, we may find that to maintain any physical position we have to engage some areas of the body; but there are lots of areas we don’t need to be engaging in order to stand / sit / sing; and this excess tension/effort can drain and restrict us.

Knowing what to engage and when, and what to relax and when, is a great skill, and a strength in itself, and one which requires gentleness and strength to assess and explore and to be willing to try out changes.

I think a lot about strength and about gentleness in general. I think of gentleness as a very important interpersonal skill – e.g. the ability to really listen; the ability to help people feel safe around you and safe to share and be honest; the ability to consider others; the ability to check in for consent before giving a hug or etc; the ability to express your hurt and frustrations in ways that do not involve taking them out on other people; the ability to be kind; the ability to listen in every sense of the word. Being connected to caring, to the need to approach gingerly sometimes. The ability to proffer your hand to a cat you want to stroke to see if it’s up for it, before you jump in and stroke it. The ability to listen for and pick up communication signals, and respond to them kindly and lovingly. These and many other things are part of the strength that is gentleness.

Activism can be done gently as well as loudly, and all these acts of change are strong. E.g. listening to and not dismissing the realities of others which are different from your own. Being willing to learn about the experiences of others. Making efforts based on what you learn, to help people feel comfortable safe and welcome when around you, personally and professionally. (re ‘welcome’, of course, you won’t want to spend time with everyone personally all the time and that’s fine – saying no is part of strength). Writing, all forms of, in books, papers, social media, blogs, websites, etc. Sharing other people’s writing that you think is important and educational. Sharing something you know a lot of people will have a knee-jerk socially trained response to, but that you think is important for social change.

Also e.g. Treating everyone around you with respect. Claiming your right to take up space. Questioning your and others’ assumptions. Walking down the street / going to work with visibly hairy legs/armpits as a female presenting person (if that’s what you want to do). Asking people what their pronouns are, and making an effort to remember. Wearing make-up and colourful clothes as a male presenting person (if that’s what you want to do. Assume it says that after every example here. I’m just having fun brainstorming gentle(r) forms of activism! I’m not saying anyone/everyone should do any of these). Telling and showing people how you express your gender and asking for that to be respected (and even celebrated!). Kissing your same-sex/same-gender-presenting partner in public. Marrying your same-sex/same-gender-presenting partner. Attempting to make your language inclusive, even if it feels awkward and you’re think you’re probably getting it wrong a lot!

Also e.g. Listening to a friend who is sad. Telling your friends who you love that you love them (if you reckon they’d be fine with that and get what you mean). Being respectful to the elderly people that you know. Learning about areas of your own privilege. Passing the microphone to those who need it (literally or metaphorically). Questioning why when you find yourself judging others. Being fat, and not self deprecating about this, and not paying attention to influences that say you ought to shrink. Avoiding diet talk. Removing body hierarchies from your ways of speaking, and thinking. Questioning what you see and hear and habitually say. Learning about black history, queer history, rights for the disabled. Learning about anything that baffles you but seems important, rather than prejudging it. Applying what you learn to your questioning of what you see and hear and say and do. There are many ways that activism can be gentler than shouting in the street with a placard, but equally strong and part of the change. Nota Bene, shouting in the street with a placard is also a wonderful, vital form of activism, the strength of which has caused so much positive change.

I think strength is also a very different thing from violence. Very, VERY different. Bravery, and appropriately, helpfully used physical strength, are both examples of strength. Emotional/mental abuse, hate crimes, hate-trolling under the label of “free speech,” are not acts of strength, but examples of violence. Physically hurting someone against their will is not an act of strength (a few caveats for self defence when no other option perhaps?), but an example of violence. These are acts of violence. Strength is not violence. Strength is not power gained by harming others.

I think assertiveness is a brilliant form of strength. E.g. a mode of communication that is not aggressive (“make me that cup of tea now or I’ll bash your head in”), nor passive (waiting to be offered tea, getting colder and thirstier), nor passive aggressive (“yeah well if you actually gave a shit you’d have offered me some tea by now, so just forget it anyway”), but assertive. Knowing what you want/need, asking for it, and accepting that the answer may or may not be what you want (if the only answer you’re okay with receiving is the one you want, it’s a demand, not a request). It can be hard to be assertive, because of social pressure, the desire to people please, fear of repercussions, confusion about what you actually want to assert, and habits etc., but I think it’s a most wonderful way to communicate.

More on communication – let’s say you are feeling ill and realise you need to have the night at home to rest, but you had planned to go to a friend’s house. If you do manage to notice what you need, and assert what you need, that’s already some good gentleness and strength right there! You might also want to bring in the strength of gentleness and consider how that might be for your friend, and therefore try to let them know in good time, apologise briefly, suggest a rescheduling, etc.

If you are the friend being cancelled on, the strength of gentleness might be with your being able to give a warm and understanding response to your friend, and you might also want to assert something practical about how/when is best for you to have cancellations made in future, for example. If you’re disappointed, of course it’s ok to express that – but I think it no longer becomes strong or gentle, if you start trying to make them feel guilty about something that’s not their fault (e.g. being too ill to come out), and it can be easy to slip into passive aggressive or straight up aggressive if you start venting at them. If you find yourself guilt tripping somebody, well done for noticing, stop, and try to suss out why you are doing it. Probably, there’s an unmet need, you thought this person would meet it, and they can’t. So instead of berating them for it, try seeing if something else can meet that need in that moment instead.

Regardless of the specifics of the above example, going through any sort of process like that with yourself takes gentleness and strength and the strength of gentleness, and will make you more likely to be flexible and understanding with the people around you, and with yourself, whilst also asserting and knowing better your own needs. Obviously, don’t be a doormat – if someone cancels a lot for no reason, is consistently rude to you, or is otherwise draining you, and it can’t be solved, then don’t make plans with them so much! Know when to say no, and then say it. Don’t be a doormat – but also don’t be a bulldozer – employ some gentleness with your friends when they are human and can’t do everything machine-style reliably and well (note – machines also break and need fixing and get bugs and go rusty. Nothing is 100% reliable!). It takes gentleness to know when to say yes/no/don’t-know, and strength to say it, gentleness and strength to know how to say it, etc.

Let’s talk physical strength. There are lots of different types of physical strength. Ability to walk far; ability to sing beautifully; ability to lift heavy things; stamina and endurance; short bursts of sprint type energy; physical intuition; climbing; balancing; juggling; riding a bike; seeing and interpreting body language; ability to communicate via body language; sensing things kinaesthetically; ability to recover from physical activity fairly quickly; ability to recover from colds/flus etc quickly/at all; ability to keep fighting/working with a chronic illness or impairment; ability to do fiddly things like sewing/platting; precision (eg for threading a needle / painting a picture / performing an operation / icing an intricate cake / making clothes); knowing how to bake/do dishes/tell how ripe fruit is with a little squeeze; ability to run fast away from things and for fun; ability to consensually and comfortingly hug, and be hugged; ability to express things through dance; ability to communicate with others through dance; ability to digest things; ability to experience and express sexuality; ability to process stimuli (eg light sound heat smell etc); ability to regulate temperature; the senses; quality of touch and intentions behind it; ability to chew and swallow; ability to give massage; knowing how to receive; ability to adapt to changes; ability to create new life; being able to work on and explore appropriate mobility; ability to experience pleasure of many different kinds; finding interesting feeling shapes to make with your body; embodying different attitudes and emotions and states; communicating status; having the privilege of being able to pursue fitness through strenuous exercise; and of course your classic image of lifting weights/being in plank pose/running a marathon etc. These are some examples of what might be considered ‘physical strength.’

In the last few years (can’t remember exactly how many years – timey wimey wibbly wobbly hard to keep track sometimes), I have lost a huge amount of physical strength, due to getting ill with M.E./CFS following a virus. Looking at the above list, many of them are completely gone for me (now/currently), some are reduced and fluctuate, and some are still there (phew!). Mentally it has been very challenging to lose some of these physical strengths. Some of the losses have been hugely inconvenient to my work and social life, and many of them very difficult for my sense of identity. Most of my teenage and young adult life, I had had the privilege of, if not actually being particularly physically hardy and tough, at least having the luxury of being able to pretend to be most of the time, because it suited my sense of preferred identity. I liked going for long walks and bike rides, cycling instead of driving and feeling it was a better choice (bit snobby/ableist but I didn’t know any better at the time), choosing to walk instead of take the bus as I enjoyed the air and endorphins and (slightly smug) sense of maintaining fitness whilst going about life.

I enjoyed (and obsessed over unhealthily too much) owning my physical body’s strengths through gym workouts, running, dancing, performing, teaching yoga, swimming, camping, dragging my accordion miles and then performing with it, working on developing muscles, not needing a “man to carry my bags.” I enjoyed feeling strong and independent and like I might have half a chance of defending myself against an attacker. I enjoyed embodying some stereotypically masculine traits and exploring how that gender expression sat with my queer sexuality and sense of identity and place in the world. I loved pinging about all over London (argh) getting up to much/no good at political, social and celebratory things. I – flipping – loved – it! However I was massively, deeply, graspingly attached to it. Attached to particular physical strengths, and also to an unhealthy level of fear based body control. E.g. working to maintain a thin and muscular body in a fear-of-fat-and-femaleness kind of way that, for me (and it’s different for everyone – same behaviours can be healthy or unhealthy mentally depending on the individual), for me was part of disordered eating, disconnect from parts of myself, fatphobia, dysmorphia, and general fear fear fear. We fear losing what we enjoy and (think that we) rely on, right?

Well, I went about my way for some years alternately just enjoying or being over attached to such physical privileges as described above. Some things got easier in terms of the over attachment, but that’s a different essay and off point. Then, roughly a few years ago (timey wimey), the universe gave me a big kick in the pants when it gave me an awful virus, and then chronic M.E./CFS.

               Side note – if you don’t know what M.E./CFS is, look it up. It’s very common. It’s not ‘just tiredness’. It can happen to people of all ages and genders. It’s not a physical response to unhealed trauma (though these can and do happen, they are not what M.E./CFS is). It’s drastically lacking in healthcare support and information. It’s not yuppee flu. It’s a worldwide issue. It’s not laziness. It’s a whole host of very real, very physical, very specific, very unpleasant and often very debilitating system wide symptoms, which fluctuate and carry on for bloody ever, and which currently don’t really have a cure, and are lacking in NHS funding, research and information. Some work is being done by various associations, though, and understanding is significantly better than it was a decade ago, I think, so that’s something.

Because of this illness that arrived out of the blue, I have had to learn to recreate my life to be as physically undemanding as possible, because pretty much any activity at all leaves me with bad physical symptoms, and Post Exertional Malaise (e.g. recovery from activity takes a very long time and causes adverse effects). Where I used to plan to have a walk en route to things so I’d get fresh air, processing time and some (what was then to me) “light exercise,” now I have to plan activities so there is minimal walking, and always make sure I have an escape route by bus/car/taxi etc incase symptoms get worse and I need to retreat. Doing anything costs energy, and I have very little of that, so I have to leave lots of space around activities for anticipated charging the battery before and after.

I cannot do ‘exercise’ in the way that I used to think of it, at all, really, now. If I do, it’s like already being in my overdraft, but then taking out thousands of pounds and throwing it out of the window (possibly at something fleeting but fun like a colourful bird flying past – i get this is a weird metaphor), but in this metaphor money is energy and we’re talking about the energy bank. I can still do a little bit of yoga, and small amounts of walking, and the occasional fun activity splurge with crash time afterwards, but I can’t generally RELY on doing them, in the way I used to be able to and most more able bodied people can. Nor can I now usually combine a walk with conversations/phone calls etc, as it tends to take everything I’ve got to do the walking. Sometimes I make it work and have a wonderful time out and about, but not on a day where I need to function reliably later, and not without repercussions afterwards, usually. Walking to the shop and back, or to the bus stop etc for getting to work, takes energy, and I can no longer rely on it .

It’s mega hard to lose a lot of physical strength, especially if it conflicts with your sense of identity. I wanted to prove to the world that I, a woman, could carry the bags and run the show and do the job! I was doing okay at that, in my way (with many many thanks due to some wonderfully supportive and encouraging people of all genders, especially my family), then M.E./CFS came along, and now I do a quiet, less physical, needing lots of extra help, doing a lot less, version of that. I still run things I’m very proud of, and enjoy plotting to do more (cos you gotta dream and hope, right?!), but I have to take taxis and buses, have support from family, employ someone to help with very physical stuff like hoovering, say no to most social stuff on work days, etc., to make it through. I still have moments where I’m carrying heavy bags to/from the bus stop and have to stop several times, and it feels pretty shite. But hey – I have found ways to carry on as best I can despite the illness, and if that isn’t strength, I don’t know what is! Showing up when you feel like hell, and still being decent to other people, and doing your moment-to-moment best at your job/the activity in hand, is strength and gentleness. Knowing when and how to say yes/no, is strength and gentleness. Accepting changes you did not want, is strength and gentleness. Grieving changes you did not want, is strength and gentleness.

I think my recently departed Granny, Mouse/Rosemary Tristram, was a great example of gentleness and strength. She was loving, kind, accepting and generous to everyone around her. She undertook all sorts of wonderful work and charity work. She made some of her traits into a featured joke, having good humour about herself. She was caring about others, even when she was dying. She accepted help (though I think this was hard). She was loving and proud of her family and showed this gently and consistently throughout her life.

I would say being ill has given me a lot of mental strength. In many ways. Though now my mentally strong brain is getting too tired to think of examples so I’m going to take a break and come back to it.…

…It takes strength to adapt to a long term, shitty change of life circumstances. It takes strength to ask for and accept help. It takes strength to carry on every day doing the best I can, despite all the ongoing awful symptoms of M.E./CFS. It takes strength to constantly be assessing my energy and symptom levels and acting accordingly, and thinking forward to assess if there’s anything I’m going to need to cancel or adapt or plan for, and doing this in enough good time. Sometimes I just have to say ‘fuck it’ and be less careful, and then recover from the ramifications of that. It takes strength to manage and advocate for yourself when you have an illness that lots of people dismiss and most don’t understand, and that many medical professionals are extremely unprofessional and undertrained about.

It takes strength to look at the world, see something that is not how you think it should be (for example to do with equality, compassion, animals, environment), and to speak up and ask the world, and yourself, to do better. It takes strength to learn to love your weakened, fat (neutral descriptor, not insult), symptom-laden body, when you had been over-attached to your thin, over-pliable, under-control body all those years. It takes strength to admit where you have struggled or been wrong. It takes strength to spot and to call out fatphobia, biphobia, homophobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, misogyny, any form of societal inequality. It takes strength to try and learn your blind spots and educate yourself. It takes strength to do your best to educate others about what you know so far. It takes strength to admit you don’t know sometimes, rather than fake an opinion. It takes strength to show up as you are in a world that often shows up as wanting to change you. It takes strength to be however you are most comfortable, in a society that (for example) wants to gender you and prescribe exactly how you should look, how you should behave and who you should love and how. It takes strength to be okay with the parts of yourself that are outside the norm, and once you’ve started working on that it takes strength to be okay with the parts of yourself that are inside the norm too.

Example of this: “It takes strength to be okay with the parts of yourself that are outside the norm, and once you’ve started working on that it takes strength to be okay with the parts of yourself that are inside the norm too.” Over the past week I have had an awful flu/cough/cold/chest bug on top of the M.E./CFS. This has been pretty debilitating and unpleasant. A strange accident occurred on Saturday night, whilst I was doing my best to hibernate in a bubble of low keyness and healing vibes to help get rid of the bug and avoid a longer term very bad M.E. crash. Strange accident was this (and it is so bizarre that I couldn’t even find ANYTHING about similar on google), as I described it in a facebook shout out for help:

“Advice wanted! In my (small one person sized) kitchen, my laundry hanger has fallen completely over and completely to the floor, and completely wedged the kitchen door shut. Kitchen is my source of hot water bottles, tea, food and water, and i have a nasty bug at the moment and need the access extra muchly! Have tried a bit of door wiggling and sliding hard cardboard under door to try and prise hanger upwards, but no luck. Bottom of door has no wiggle room so i think the leg of the hanger is firmly wedged against it. There’s not much room between door and edge of floor so i reckon the hanger is wedged “wall to wall” (actually door to floor). All the windows to main room and kitchen are closed. Short of smashing the door in, what should I do? Is there a magic handiman/ woman/ person I can call to sort it out? Ideally and essentially need it sorted tonight, with minimal stress or exertion (nasty bug and M.E. is not a fun cocktail). Can someone cut a piece out of the bottom of the door, or do some other such magic?
To top it all off, there’s wet laundry and a brand new food shop all trapped behind that door! Thanks for help/tips.”

Bizarre conundrum, right? Assessing the situation, and describing it and asking for help on facebook, and having a first go at fixing it myself, all took some strength and energy. Then, I was just ignoring it for a bit, having a mental and physical break, a wonderful friend (Marcus, hero of the hour!) phoned up, and came round to try to help. We poked and prodded and pulled and kicked and scraped and such, and nothing seemed to help. My dear friend Julia (also a total hero!) offered some tools, which still weren’t quite what was needed, but we had a good chat and a laugh about the situation, which helped morale! We asked at the local shop if they had the relevant tools we could borrow, nope. Friend asked on facebook “hacksaw needed, urgent” and had some amusing/worried responses!

In the end we walked up to my friend’s house to get his penknife, to see if that might work as a last resort. On the way up there, it became extra apparent that I was in bad condition, virus-wise and M.E. wise. I was getting all the signals to go home and inside and rest, but I also really wanted to connect with my friend, see his house (nearby but not the easiest walk for someone with M.E.), and show with energy and attention how grateful I was for his help with the situation! So I overrode it, coughing and spluttering and shutting down as we went. I got to his house and lay down for a while, and had tea and water and cooling fruits. Then we had lovely long chats and about life and such while I recovered from the walk, which was grand as I hadn’t expected to have a lovely social time whilst in the middle of a crash-bug-virus-recoup weekend. Eventually we set off, penknife in tow, back to mine, and it was an easier walk as downhill.

Then there was a period of time where this wonderful man SAWED A MOUSEHOLE INTO MY DOOR WITH A TINY PENKNIFE (some friends deserve medals), while I waited and rested, utterly shattered from the bug, the situation and the walk. When he finally freed the door, the hanger, and then liberated my kitchen again, I sprang into action to do the things that I COULD do. And it happens that, thanks to illness and just how my body and mind generally are, the things I could easily do were to make him some food, and tend to a few cuts on his hands from the woodwork. I was aware that this was GENDER ROLE CITY, however it was also 100% wonderful, because none of it was weird power dynamic or performative etc., it was ‘I’m doing what I can for the good, and here’s what I can do.’ And what he could do, was FREE MY KITCHEN FROM BEING INACCESSIBLE FOREVER! With creative and persistent penknife sawing. And what I could do was, food, wound tending and being a nice host. So, I was fine with those roles. And utterly delighted that my friend could help!

I think that past me would have been really angry about not being able to saw a hole in the door myself, or at having to get help at all, especially when that help based on physical strength and practical DIY skill comes from a man (because, patriarchy). But the fact is sometimes the stereotypes match the truth, and the truth is where the best actions come from. Gentleness with myself, and mental strength, meant this was not an additional issue. It all just flowed, a problem was solved, people were taken good care of, and good things happened. Hurrah. And thanks again to the amazing amazing Marcus for your physical & mental strength helping me with this, and your gentleness in knowing when and how to offer help.

NB if my landlord(s) read(s) this, none of the above happened, it’s all hypothetical and fictional, the door is perfect, a mouse may have nibbled it but I fixed it, so please ignore all the above!

It can be hard though – when you realise some of the gender or other roles you resented having pushed upon you by society in general, are ones that actually suit your inclinations and abilities. Like, “yes please strong man I would love your help carrying this,” is not something I would have ever wanted to say, as a young adult. These days, I (would be healthier if I) take all the help I can get (but I don’t, but I do take some of it, sometimes). Not being the exact embodiment of the “strong independent woman” I had envisaged, can hurt sometimes. But the strength of gentleness is to learn what is, and then to do the best you can with that. And we cannot always choose what is, only work with it as best we can. …And in some ways, it’s all just our little/big egos dealing with mortality and such, isn’t it!… Sorry, back to the point –

Example of importance of: “we cannot always choose what is, only work with it as best we can.” If a vocal student makes a sound they don’t like, and then invests energy in self berating and stops exploring, they don’t tend to make progress, just get frustrated. However, if a vocal student makes a sound they don’t like, and then responds with curiosity, and continues to explore, they continue to glean information about how their voice feels and sounds, and can continue to make progress.

Now while we’re at it looking at gentleness and strength, I’d like to look at the word, ‘feisty.’ Feisty is something I think I have been called a fair amount in my life, and only in the last few years did I realise it was not synonymous with ‘strong,’ but was actually a diminutive thing to say. I realised it usually implies someone or something that “should not” be strong, but which is attempting to be. And I think it is generally applied to people/animals that society expects (or demands) not to be strong, and is said with amusement/mockery/diminutive intent. I think ‘feisty’ is most usually said about women, children, smaller people, smaller animals… I don’t think feisty is ever said about large adult men. Let me have a google… Yep, google define says part of its origin is “19^th century… derogatory term for a lap dog.” That about sums it up!

As a female presenting person, and throughout many years of my life quite short and slim, and also someone quite outspoken with a highly tuned bullshit detector (sometimes), I think feisty has been said of me quite a lot. And these days, I don’t like it. I would rather you saw my strength and called it strength. I also don’t recall (but may be wrong) being called feisty by anyone of a similar gender and stature to me – I think it’s mostly been cisgender men, taller than me, discussing me as feisty. Not long after I got together with my most recent partner (who broke up with me when I got the M.E./CFS diagnosis. Nice. I’m not bitter.), he reported to me that one of our mutual friends had described me to him as, “a feisty one.” This felt weird but I could not put my finger on exactly why – now I have a clearer idea. I don’t like being discussed behind my back (or in a room in front of me as if I’m not there) by cis men (or anyone) in this diminutive and derogatory way.

Said ex partner also divulged to me that one of my (male identifying) yoga students (from my recent teaching days which stopped with the M.E.), who had been quite a ‘devotee’ in terms of attendance, had only been so because he was attracted to me. Was this supposed to be a compliment?! Ugh! Frankly this was hugely insulting to me as a teacher, naff in terms of gender and power dynamics, an awkward thing to be aware of, and also seemed to be quite a breach of the supposed friendship trust between the two men. And, if it was true, a breach of the understanding between student and teacher of what purpose a yoga class is there for. Yuck. I do not like male presenting people saying “she’s a feisty one,” “went to her class cos I fancied her,” etc. behind my back – or ever. It’s supremely disrespectful. Well, there are more supreme ways to disrespect, but it’s pretty shitty anyway. Same men who think it’s fine to say stuff like, “women aren’t funny.” Middle finger up to that!

Saying stuff like that, that’s seemingly deliberately derogatory to people because of gender, or other characteristics, is not strength. It’s violence. It’s not gentleness – there’s nothing gentle about it. It’s cowardly. Strength would be, discussing people respectfully, examining why you are saying/thinking what you are saying/thinking, examining why you are doing what you are doing, doing your best to learn about respectful language and behaviour, and the variety of people around you, and the social structures around you. Strength would be thinking about what’s best for you and for others, asking and listening to the answers, reflecting, and acting accordingly as best you can. Strength would be meeting people where they are at, and finding connection if possible and if wanted. Strength would be forgiving people for their limitations and blind spots, whilst also asserting your boundaries and standing up for what you think and feel to be right. Strength would be encouraging people around you not to be sexist / misogynistic / racist / ableist / homophobic / biphobic / transphobic / aggressive in other ways, and inviting exploration of what’s actually going on behind those ideas/behaviours. The ways many people are trained to behave, for example in terms of gender expression, can be pretty limited and shit for everyone in one way or another! So, strength is learning about it, gentleness is listening in order to learn, strength is calling it out, gentleness is calling it out respectfully. Gentleness is also admitting there is always more for you to learn – you’re never the all knowing guru!

SILLY JOKE INTERRUPTION – you could call a pet dog or cat something that you might need to ‘call out.’ Eg “Sexism! SIT!” Or “Biphobia ruined my sofa.” Or “Ableism is in the bathroom.” Not really, obvs, but the absurdness is fun! Ignore if you don’t get it, it was funny for me for a moment…

Just a disclaimer – I’m a bit out of it/ delirious with the nasty virus I’ve got at the moment, so if I’ve miscommunicated anything majorly or made any massive blind spot faux pas, apologies, please forgive, and of course gently let me know if you think helpful and necessary.

Discussions of gentleness and strength are reminding me of a favourite song, ‘The Traveller,’ written by a friend from happy days of yore, Anna Patton, with lyrics from an amazing old hymn. I’m reminded because of the lyric,

“I rise superior to my pain, when I am weak then I am strong.”

Do listen to Anna’s track ‘The Traveller’ at this link, it’s amazing, rich and deep.
https://northernharmony.bandcamp.com/album/northern-harmony-live-1998

Here’s a rough version of the whole poem. It’s fervent, mysterious, visceral and religious, and when read with the feeling of the music of Anna’s song, so so beautiful and huge:

Charles Wesley, Come O Thou Traveller unknown

Come, O thou Traveller unknown,
Whom still I hold, but cannot see!
My company before is gone,
And I am left alone with Thee;

With Thee all night I mean to stay,
And wrestle till the break of day.

I need not tell Thee who I am,
My misery and sin declare;
Thyself hast called me by my name,
Look on Thy hands, and read it there;

But who, I ask Thee, who art Thou?
Tell me Thy name, and tell me now.

In vain Thou strugglest to get free,
I never will unloose my hold!
Art Thou the Man that died for me?
The secret of Thy love unfold;

Wrestling, I will not let Thee go,
Till I Thy name, Thy nature know.

Wilt Thou not yet to me reveal
Thy new, unutterable Name?
Tell me, I still beseech Thee, tell;
To know it now resolved I am;

Wrestling, I will not let Thee go,
Till I Thy Name, Thy nature know.

‘Tis all in vain to hold Thy tongue
Or touch the hollow of my thigh;
Though every sinew be unstrung,
Out of my arms Thou shalt not fly;

Wrestling I will not let Thee go
Till I Thy name, Thy nature know.

What though my shrinking flesh complain,
And murmur to contend so long?
I rise superior to my pain,
When I am weak, then I am strong

And when my all of strength shall fail,
I shall with the God-man prevail.

My strength is gone, my nature dies,
I sink beneath Thy weighty hand,
Faint to revive, and fall to rise;
I fall, and yet by faith I stand;

I stand and will not let Thee go
Till I Thy Name, Thy nature know.

Yield to me now, for I am weak,
But confident in self-despair;
Speak to my heart, in blessings speak,
Be conquered by my instant prayer;

Speak, or Thou never hence shalt move,
And tell me if Thy Name is Love.

‘Tis Love! ’tis Love! Thou diedst for me!
I hear Thy whisper in my heart;
The morning breaks, the shadows flee,
Pure, universal love Thou art;

To me, to all, Thy bowels move;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

My prayer hath power with God;
the grace Unspeakable I now receive;
Through faith I see Thee face to face,
I see Thee face to face, and live!

In vain I have not wept and strove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

I know Thee, Savior, who Thou art.
Jesus, the feeble sinner’s friend;
Nor wilt Thou with the night depart.
But stay and love me to the end,

Thy mercies never shall remove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

The Sun of righteousness on me
Hath rose with healing in His wings,
Withered my nature’s strength;
from Thee My soul its life and succor brings;

My help is all laid up above;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

Contented now upon my thigh
I halt, till life’s short journey end;
All helplessness, all weakness I
On Thee alone for strength depend;

Nor have I power from Thee to move:
Thy nature, and Thy name is Love.

Lame as I am, I take the prey,
Hell, earth, and sin, with ease o’ercome;
I leap for joy, pursue my way,
And as a bounding hart fly home,

Through all eternity to prove
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love

*

Wow, eh?

*

So, strength and gentleness.

May many kinds of both be with you all, guiding you forward well, and lovingly.

Hannah-Rose xo

Quite a personal ramble, about stuff.

In the run up to this Christmas I had been in a dark place. Privately so. Most people who see me day to day see the ‘best’ of me: my professional self in ‘performance and service’ mode, or my social self at the times when I’ve saved the energy to be walking and talking, engaging and enjoying.

Most people don’t know or fully understand that before I do any activity (from cleaning my teeth to running a choir), I have to conserve energy, summon the strength to be active despite the symptoms of the chronic illness that I have, and plan symptom management carefully, etc.

Most people don’t know or fully understand that after a cuppa & catch up, or teaching a lesson, or any activity, my symptoms worsen and I will usually have to endure a ‘crash’ – and must plan to leave time and restful circumstances after any activity, for recovery.

A lot of people don’t understand that ME/CFS (and many other chronic illnesses), are not ‘just being tired.’ The symptoms are complex and variable, and can range from joint pain, to migraines, to brain fog, to muscle pain, to physical weakness, to intense fatigue, to nausea, to stomach issues, to an extreme inability to regulate temperature, to extreme sensitivity to noise and light, to dizziness, to crippling loss of stamina for mental and physical activities, to sleep disturbances, to ‘phantom skin scrawling’ sensations, to throat issues, to breathing issues, to strange nerve pains, and many other symptoms besides.

Some people also don’t understand that there can be good days and bad days, and good and bad moments within each day – which is quite different from the rather black and white (and completely false) thought model of ‘you’re fighting fit or you’re lying down helpless.’ ME/CFS can leave you unable to move at some times or to endure any stimuli at all, and yet able to function ‘well’ for short periods of time at other times (often with payback symptoms afterwards).

Situations such as this can be very hard for people to understand due to lack of education about them, and to societal or personal biases. ME/CFS is often worsened by many of the ‘panaceas’ generally touted to promote health (eg exercise, or obsessively strict diets that require a lot of mental energy), and the illness is a burden to manage, to explain and to cope with mentally, as it tends to strongly impact all areas of a person’s life. And often the worst parts of an ME/CFS sufferer’s experience go unseen by others.

The dark place I was in before Christmas was a state of general fed-uppery, fed by my health having very much worsened, and the amount of struggle it was taking to manage things. The large jumps from being in bed in the dark most of the day, to the few hours I spent out and about, working or socialising & often being quite dynamic (that’s my personality and my job type), can feel a very strange juxtaposition at times.

I think one of the very hardest aspects of it all – and it’s hard for me to admit this as I love my own company, generally enjoy living alone and thrive on feeling independent – was the sense of loneliness. Loneliness in not being fully understood by many. Loneliness of presenting a ‘front’ to the world and dealing with the hardest stuff alone (mostly by choice – I have wonderful friends and family who DO get it and who are wonderfully supportive – but day to day I have it generally set up so that I can recover and prepare alone, and then see people when I’m in ‘peopling’ mode. Maybe I need to change this at some point so my home life is more social and people can see more of the me squashed on sofa in PJs! Humph…). Loneliness of the strange Jekyll and Hyde ness of my self alone and my self with others.

And then with that also comes the sadness and frustration of not being able to live life to the full in the ways I’d love to. The sadness and frustration of having to say no, again and again, to wonderful activities, opportunities and people who I love. The sadness and frustration of feeling behind other people my age in terms of adult ‘life goals’ (some of which I still very much want, some of which I don’t necessarily). Of feeling like a ‘lesser catch’ as a partner for someone, due to being able to do so much less, and having this unpredictable and very limiting illness (not helped by my previous partner having left me because I got ill. Ouch.). Of having to drop so many things I love. … I could go on but you get the picture, I expect. I was SAD, and whilst it was given relief briefly in my deep connective chats with a few very close friends, or was distracted from by meaning and purpose in my wonderful work with people’s singing voices, or by playing games with friends or netflix, the sadness wasn’t going away, and it was going about with me weighing me down, in addition to the symptoms of the ME/CFS. Tough!

Then, amidst a really bad crash, I zombie-drove to my parents home for Christmas. One of the first things we did after I arrived, was go to a Christmas Carol Service in the tiny, ancient, beautiful Binsted Church very near where we live. I hadn’t intended to go, having been in bed most of the day and just driven all the way there, but FOMO and something in my heart made me join in. I am SO glad that I went. Being together with my Dad, Nephew, Sister, Brother in Law (and Mum, in Spirit, who was singing elsewhere), in this tiny Church which I grew up near, was quite moving. The Church was so full that we had to take up a whole pew behind the choir stalls – and my nephew did brilliantly at not running around for a whole hour while the service went on. When the choir started singing ‘Once in Royal David’s City,’ and processing in, it was dramatic and sweet and sombre and beautiful. They were robed in red and white, and some of them are people that I sang with as a child and young teen; both in local amateur dramatics and in the Church choir. Some of these people had been part of the Church community I had embraced when I decided to get baptised aged 8, and confirmed a few years later (I’m not particularly attached to or thrilled with many Christian beliefs / symbols nowadays – but at the time I was reaching for spiritual community, and they were what I could find, and they were wonderful).

When it came time for us to join in with the first carol, all standing up and connecting with these ancient, powerful (and of course often flawed and outdated), traditional words and tunes that so many have sung before, the floodgates opened, and I wept. My Dad noticed and gently placed a hand on my shoulder, which gave the tears full permission somehow. This was a gentle, supportive, no-drama, affirmative gesture which was just what I needed. Thanks Dad. (Dad aka Mikee)

Being part of a spiritual community, thinking about the bigger things and spirit, singing together, feeling the presence of my family around me, and being a participant in a community event rather than a leader of it, felt like something my soul had been thirsty for for a long time. “He was little, weak and helpless, Tears and smiles like us he knew. And he feeleth for our sadness, and he shareth in our gladness,” – just what a lonely soul needs to hear and to believe.

This was a wonderful start to a very heart-healing Christmas visit. And makes me think about ways I might seek out spiritual community locally, and whether I can prioritise the energy to be part of one in addition to the other things i’m doing, whilst managing illness. I think my soul might need it. One of the reasons I lead community singing is because I believe in the importance of a community space where people can connect and sing together, feel like they belong, and possibly experience something spiritual (or not, as they wish), but without all the messy, violent and exclusionary dogma of most (all?) religions. And I am proud to say that I think I provide a lot of wonderful community experiences for people through the GLOW Choir which I still run (and which I prioritise heavily in terms of energy use, without a single second of regret). But I haven’t prioritised being part of a local spiritual community myself, in which I don’t have a leadership role. I think this might be important for staying sane and in perspective whilst managing illness and life, so… to be continued and explored. I have some ideas. Thanks to someone wonderful.

Re the rest of the Christmas visit – I have to say I am incredibly lucky that my family are so, SO lovely and supportive and respectful. The 5 days or so I spent with them for Christmas has been very healing, happy making and a wonderful break from my usual location, activities and routines. The feeling of companionable family sharing a house and connecting / disconnecting as needed, has been so good for my heart and soul, and drove the loneliness quite away. The care and acceptance with which they acted around my “odd” sleeping hours, wearing sunglasses inside, disappearing for a lie down regularly, etc., was healing balm. The chaos of children and Christmas was a nice momentum to relax around and aim my energy towards, and it was nice not to be in charge of anything much for a time. And to be off facebook! (I love a lot about fb but it can be very draining!).

My nephew was a sweet fireball of energy. My sister and brother in law were lovely to chat to and be around – and they brought with them A CAT. Oh god the endless source of happiness and joy that is a cat! Tic Tac is a kitten, fluffy and curious and purring and prowling and such a joy. He brought me a lot of feline happiness, and it made me resolve that when I can afford the finance and energy to change my living situation, I’d love to live somewhere worthy of a cat (eg small back garden, cat flap to garden, more than one room, space for cat litter tray and food bowls etc.). I’d also like to live somewhere that I can have friends and family to stay; as whilst my beloved studio home is the perfect refuge for me for now, it’s just the one room, so I can’t have people sleep over without getting extra exhausted, overstimulated and making the health stuff worse. Being able to have people to stay, and still have the privacy I need to manage my illness (and just generally manage me to be honest), would be so wonderful and would help make a home feel like a home. * takes a pause to dream about potential / ideal / possible / impossible homes… * One can dream… and hopefully eventually act on some of those dreams. And eventually creating a cat-worthy guest-worthy home is a nice dream to mull over.

Over Xmas, I had some great chats with my parents, played charades with Aunts and Uncles, and spent part of most afternoons connecting with my Grandparents nearby. My Granny (Rosemary) is very ill at present with Parkinsons. Her current situation has prompted sensitive and caring behaviour from everybody, and a few deeper conversations about life, death, family history, fragility of things, and the like. My Granny can’t often follow conversation at the moment (though sometimes she can and it’s SO wonderful when she does), or being read to, so one afternoon a group of us went over there together and sang her some quiet Christmas Carols with improvised/remembered harmonies. My nephew chose ‘We Three Kings’, and we just managed to skip the gloomy death and tomb verses in time, which wouldn’t have been a good thing to sing at her bedside. “Er let’s skip to the last verse, ok?” David and Rosemary Tristram, my grandparents on my Dad’s side, have been married for 65 years, are both kind and sweet, have been very involved in growing plants and flowers (see Tristram Plants on my recommendations page), and have given a lot to their family over the years.

It has been magical to reconnect with everybody, and to feel loved, needed, taken care of, accepted as is, and for the most part understood. What a massive blessing.

My amazing Mum, Emma Tristram (the same one who took Highways England to court to protect beautiful and important countryside, habitats and villages from being destroyed), loves cooking and is amazing at it, and did a wonderful job hosting Xmas for everybody, several times over (as family visited in staggered spurts). She also cooks for my Grandpa every single night, as he spends his days mostly with Granny at the care home she now has to be in, and it’s great for him to come home to family company and a lovingly cooked meal.  Mum’s very in her element (one of her many elements!) when creatively cooking stuff up for folks in her kitchen. She’s also managed to do that on top of some health stuff, which is bloody amazing. Something else I really appreciate is that, although she’s not a vegan, she’s respectful of my choice to be so and always serves up fantastic creative plant based things along side the meatier Xmas dishes, and will sometimes buy fancy things in like the odd soya chocolate pudding or nut roast too. I keep my moral/ethical beliefs about animal use/abuse to the internet (or conversations where it’s welcome), and when we eat together we respect our differences, quieten “My beliefs are right!” type voices for the time being, and enjoy eating together.

It’s been amazing to share meals with loved ones twice a day (I generally eat alone most days due to circumstance, managing energy, and keeping odd hours), and to be cooked for and not have to worry about it or plan anything much. I’ve enjoyed helping out with the odd splurge of washing up or veg buying when I have an energy rise, and have very much enjoyed that helping out has been an optional extra rather than a pressured thing that HAS to happen VERY SOON, in the way things are when you’re running your own household and business and need to make sure you eat, plan, prepare, wash, buy, budget, promote, reply to emails (been off email for Xmas too – yum) etc etc. A great break.

We also created/discovered a few new Xmas rituals this year. * Yoghurt Chucking – this happens when you’ve tetrissed your fridge badly, and when you open it, a massive pot of yoghurt falls out, covering your Ma’s clothes, face and hair in Xmas yoghurt. Everybody laughs (including Ma), and it’s a nice moment. * Coffee Chucking – when you find a small amount of coffee that has been hanging around all year soaking up all the bad spirits (including the ones that tipped the yoghurt out of the fridge) and is too old to be good for drinking. You take it outside, accompanied by your Dad if poss or anyone else willing to join in/ witness, and shout something along the lines of, “bad spirits of 2018, BE GONE!” and chuck the coffee over your shoulder (prob your right shoulder?). It feels good!

Me and my Ma have also made a nice ritual of watching the Call The Midwife Xmas Special together. It was epic this year – do watch it if you want a tear jerker of a story. Takes a while for all the different threads to make sense, but once they start pulling together it’s brill.

One of my many marvellous Aunts, who is a potter and pottery teacher, shared something on twitter about that Japanese tradition of fixing broken pots with gold and the flaws making them more beautiful – celebrating their uniqueness and flawed perfection! She shared this with the idea that Boxing Day clumsiness could be made use of for such a practice, I think. Well, I broke a teapot on Boxing Day so, gold-glue away folks! (sorry)

So, this has been a massive ramble, but it’s all sort of tied together somehow. Have I been true to my title, in this probably public ramble? “Carols, Choirs, Tears, Fears, Health, Roots, Family, Xmas Rituals.” Let’s see.

Carols – they are ancient, moving, beautiful, annoying, uniting, appallingly bad, sweet and nice, bizarre and all sorts. Sometimes one sings them uneasily feeling aware of every odd word/outdated concept/confusion. Sometimes one belts them out for the sake of joining in tradition with songs that generations of people have come together to sing at this time of year. Sometimes they unlock tears and sense of spiritual belonging that have been locked up for a while. I’m in favour of analysing them and updating them for the sake of moving with the times in terms of morality and equality and respect. I’m also in favour of belting them out & enjoying them as they are as a piece of history and present – whether that be singing them in a church, round a kitchen table, or in the dark walking around beautiful villages and forests, like my family used to when we were young. (Binsted is still under threat from road destruction – don’t let Highways England get away with it! Planet Earth, Binsted & surrounding areas, and our wildlife and wild souls, deserve better!).

Choirs – it was moving singing next to one of the Church choirs I sang with as a youngster. Both for seeing familiar faces from life times gone by, and for singing in a spiritual context. Being allowed to break open and weep at the power of song, reminds me internally (rather than as feedback from choir attendees) of an aspect of the power of community singing, and gives me extra motivation for the work I will do with GLOW Choir Brighton in the coming year. Witnessing my Grandmother connect with and, I think, enjoy and be soothed by, our singing to her, when words and conversation weren’t generally an option, reminded me again of the power of music and song, and of another reason why I do what I do. Singing with my Mum round the kitchen table connected me with many times spent singing with the family, often led by her, and to how grateful I am to her for helping me learn to sight read (fairly well!), and to discover and own the joy and power of group singing from many different eras and genres. My sister gave me a silly book of Christmas Carols with the words reworked to be sung from the point of view of various (naughty) cats, which me and one of my marvellous Aunties had a fun time singing from on Xmas day. I was out singing in the fields nearby to blow away the cobwebs, and heard my Dad singing back as he searched to find what wild flowers were blooming on Xmas day this year. I found a book at my parents’ house that a singing student and occasional GLOW choir member had written, which was a nice connection.

Tears – see the aforementioned Carol Service eye-leaking incident. Also, still struggling with managing health stuff around life stuff; witnessing my Granny’s deterioration; having some other tricky family health situations in mind; and the general reflectiveness that a visit to the family home can bring. I enjoyed not talking about my life much this visit though – just enjoying company instead. I did have a good short “real chat” moment with my brilliant Dad though, who said, “how are you,” and listened to my knee jerk answer AND my deeper answer which was, “fed up.” He was brilliant and said, “I’m glad you can say that, it’s important to be able to.” He’s amazing, works so hard making the world a better place in many ways, and had to manage ME/CFS himself for the best part of a decade when I was a child. I know that seeing his parents aging, particularly his Mum’s condition at present, is very hard for him and his siblings, and a source of tears and deep reflection, and I think some pre-emptive grief too. He’s an amazing man of great emotional and intellectual intelligence, who’s not afraid to cry or be gentle, or to put his foot down and be the boss. Respect. Me and my wonderful sister had a few good laugh-cry reminiscing moments too. Yay.

Fears – oy vey. See above re the health issues. The possibility of not getting better. The likelihood that I will probably need and/or wish to do lots of things that my soul needs, but that will make my illness worse and cause suffering and crashes. The possibility of new love, partnership, making my own family pod with a partner (& cat& home?), and how impossible that generally feels due to illness, how I manage illness, and the potential to be made to feel bad about the problem as well as managing it. Finances. Global environmental disasters. Homelessness. Financial crisis. Nazis. Bigots. Not achieving enough in my lifetime. Potentially discovering there’s another illness underneath the ME/CFS. My Grandmother, and other close family members’, deaths. My own death. Disappointing people who have invested in me. Running out of toilet paper and not having energy to go out and buy some! Unhelpful thought patterns being triggered if I make myself vulnerable. Having to say no again and again and not knowing yet how not to feel broken by it. Being misunderstood and not always knowing how not to care about that. Bullying. Speaking out about veganism and being misunderstood as a food snob, rather than being seen as an activist against cruelty & for equality & respect. Losing my hard won body positivity, fat positivity, and level of self acceptance. Saying the wrong thing despite the best intentions, because of my own ignorance and blind spots. Being in the sea with creatures around. Tsunamis. Losing more abilities than I already have lost. Earth becoming a desert. All the green spaces being bulldozed for awful stinking roads. Bigotry, internalised and from the outside. Learning how to be loved by a partner without being performative at all. Being co-erced into doing stuff without the space/quiet to check in with my inner voice. Not using the skills and resources I’m lucky to have, not using them enough, not using them enough for the greater good, and not using them enough for my own satisfaction, while I’m around. Not having a room of my own to go into and shut the door. Spiders (I keep dreaming about them all the time over Xmas). All the fears!

Health – see start of the article.

Roots, Family – I think these two can go together! I’ve enjoyed learning tidbits about stories of family history. My Mum’s Grandmother (‘Ninnin’?) and things about her life – prompted by my Aunt Lucy wearing a ring of hers. My Great Great Grandmother on my Dad’s side, who was also called Hannah-Rose, and was Polish-Jewish – one of the reasons I’m very slowly learning bits of Polish at the moment, and maybe one of the subliminal aspects of why I enjoy and feel connected to aspects of Judaism. It felt v special to connect with & think about family of the past, and also watch my young nephew at play, and connect with my sister and her husband and chat about life and how we are finding it, and spend time with my parents, aunts and uncles. I think the lonely aspect of being ill and living solo and being self employed (quite different from being well with those other circs), made me especially aware (during this xmas visit) of how HUGELY lucky I am to have the support and presence of living relatives, who are very kind to me, who there is no massive rift with, and who have some shared interests and joys. I’m going to try to physically remember the sensation of their love, support and presence as I navigate the more solitary days between things. Much as illness may hold me back; love and support, purpose and peace, are motivating and can give energy of a kind, even if their actions require recovering from too. Much as life is a complex web (argh spiders) of many things, all worth experiencing and exploring; to love and be loved and to let yourself feel it, is a powerful thing, which makes it easier to be with different states and circumstances.

Xmas Rituals – see above re Coffee Chucking etc.

I hope these ramblings have been interesting to you. It’s been good for me to download from the brain!

A couple of other tidbits from the last 5 days: * I was proud of the Tristrams & co for managing to discuss a bit of political stuff, but with no rows, just a few passionately voiced opinions. The big political beasts did creep into conversation, but didn’t stick around long. It was well balanced. * Nobody said any annoying or upsetting stuff to me, which can be a danger at gatherings with any people, family or not, who haven’t seen you for a while. 100% thanks & hugs to my brill fam this year for being great with communication. * I also got a few texts from a small number of close friends whose connection has been a treasure this year. This brought love to my heart. Thank you folks. * I also had a wonderful time listening to podcasts by the brilliant Sofie Hagen, in some of my bits of downtime, which I would highly recommend! Check out Made Of Human / Moh Pod; and also Secret Dinosaur Cult, on whatever podcast devices you have!

If you’ve read my big fat Xmas ramble, thank you for your time. I hope you’ve gotten through your Xmas with some things to feel grateful for and pleased about, and that you’ve felt heard about the less good stuff too. However it’s been for you, here’s wishing you a happy, kind 2019. Much love and thanks for your brain time, Hannah-Rose xo

A massive thank you to everyone who was part of GLOW choir’s End of Term Sharing on Saturday Dec 15th. You are all amazing! It was a wonderful wonderful evening, full of community, bravery, joy and love. Thank you so much everyone!

Congratulations to GLOW Choir and friends for such a magical event. Everyone who was there contributed in some way, and it was very special to be part of it and to see it all coming together.

50% of the total raised through ticket sales and donations (after paying the church) was just under £100, so I’ve rounded it up and donated £100 to MindOut!

New Term Details:

If you are looking for individual singing lessons to help you flourish and explore your voice, see the homepage! You might also be interested in my recommendations page, which is full of wonderful people doing good things.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the years about integrity. Honesty, transparency, respect, and particularly integrity. It’s something I aspire to, care about, and do my best to maintain, in as far as any flawed human can.

Muddy areas of thought, in some circumstances, can create unnecessary suffering, discomfort and confusion. Vaguery, in some circumstances, can greatly reduce respect, comfort and (obviously) clarity. This may seem a bit vague so – let’s get specific!

In a professional sense, I’m a big fan of things ‘doing what they say on the tin.’ For example, I’m a Natural Voice Practitioner (for more info, see https://naturalvoice.net/), and part of our ethos is that Natural Voice Choirs are choirs in which all voices are welcome, regardless of current levels of skill or experience.

So, in all the singing groups I’ve run over the years, I put statements on my fliers such as, ‘all voices welcome! No auditions, no judgement. All voices welcome!’ Having stated what I’m going to do, that’s what I do – I hold a space in which all voices are welcome!

So I’m continually surprised when singers who’ve read the fliers, know what Natural Voice Practitioners do, and know what I’ve stated explicitly that I’m running, still ask me to ask people to leave based on current musical ability! Or when they comment – sometimes within earshot of the person they are talking about – that it’s a much nicer sound when such-and-such person isn’t there.

Shocking, right?! It doesn’t happen that often, but it has happened a few times over the years (I’ve been leading NVN choirs and workshops for well over a decade) – where a few people assume that, even though a choir or workshop has stated that all voices are welcome, some voices will actually not be welcome. Where a few people assume that their choir leaders will not have noticed that some people are currently better/worse at pitching, melody recall, blending or rhythm (for example) than others, and feel the need to point it out that they’ve noticed. Where a few people assume that their leaders are not actually making an informed effort to get the best sound possible out of everybody there, in an encouraging, specific and respectful way. Where a few people think that there should be some musical-skill-based-gatekeeping going on, despite the choir or workshop having been publicised very clearly as, ‘all voices welcome.’

It’s quite frustrating, as the message of ‘all voices welcome’ couldn’t be made much clearer on the NVN website, or in the publicity for most NVN choirs. Literally the first sentence or two on the NVN home page is “Welcome… We are a network of people who work with voice and song, and who believe that singing is everyone’s birthright, regardless of musical experience or ability.”

I don’t think it’s often intended maliciously, this ignoring of the whole ethos of the NVN and its practitioners, by some choir members in some choirs. I would most often put it down to cultural conditioning being louder than individual awareness of what NVN is about. As a guess!

Everybody benefits, in various ways, from an atmosphere in which all voices are welcome. Highly skilled singers have bad vocal days too, or songs they just can’t get their heads around at first! And the net of acceptance and encouragement is there to catch them, when they fall from their usual spot of picking things up straight away and sounding brilliant! Different people bring different unique voices, skills, backgrounds and challenges, and a choir is essentially a magical way of creating something greater than the sum of its parts.

Don’t get me wrong – beautifully tuned singing done reliably by experienced and skillful singers is a thing of great wonder! But don’t go to an ‘all voices welcome’ community singing workshop, expecting everyone to already have all the singing skills in place and well practiced! A central part of the Natural Voice ethos is that giving voice is a human birthright, and that everybody deserves to sing and to enjoy doing so. Every voice is deserving of encouragement and being heard! This is worth remembering, when you attend a singing workshop. The magic being weaved is not just how the music comes together – it’s also how the people come together, and how respected and included they feel in the process.

Of course, sounding good is an important part of feeling good and having a good experience, and there are ways that I address this with group teaching about specific singing skills, encouraging the whole group to consider and to practice things such as volume balance, pitching, tuning, octaves, different vocal tones/qualities, emotional content of the song, group blend, listening to all the other parts whilst holding your own, and other technical/important skills involved in singing.

But in a non-auditioned choir that has stated ‘all voices welcome’, it can often take some time to get to a place of sounding a particular ‘type of good’ (eg well tuned, balance of voice volume between parts and individuals, rhythm spot on, appropriate vocal tone for a style, lyrics clear etc). This is because the point is not that your choir sounds good quickly at the cost of hurting and even traumatising people, by excluding or chastising them when you’ve said they would be welcome. Hell no! The point is that people have a good time together, in an atmosphere where they are respected, given permission to be wherever they are currently at in terms of vocal & musical skills (and how they feel on that day), and encouraged to improve from there! Patience and respect are required, from the leader and between the choir members. And what brilliant human qualities to cultivate – patience and respect.

So, to sum up an NVN choir (or the ones I run anyway!) the point is the people! I’d much rather it took a bit longer to get a song well tuned, with everyone attending feeling included and respected in the process, than that we were brilliantly tuned straight away but people had been hurt or discouraged in the process. Think of all those horror stories where people are told to mime by their choir directors and spend the rest of their lives thinking they can’t sing – a crime against humanity, and the opposite of what the NVN is here to do!

Of course, sometimes you want to sound great quickly, and that can be a satisfying and important part of happy music making! But that’s not something to expect or demand from a ‘come all ye’ community choir group or workshop instantly. To scratch that itch, you might want to get together with a small group of people you’ve chosen who are at a similar musical skill level to you, with similar musical tastes. Again – doing what it says on the tin! ‘All voices welcome, community choir’ – if that’s what it says, that’s what it should be. ‘Small group of friends selected carefully doing some singing,’ that’s a very different thing! If you’re clear about it, it avoids hurt, confusion and resentment. This kind of clarity displays and supports integrity.

So, leaders – do what you’ve said ‘on the tin’ (fliers, websites etc)! If you’ve said ‘everybody is welcome’ – keep including everybody! Having patience with people, taking enjoyment in helping them grow and learn, learning and growing alongside them, and demonstrating that individual humans are more important than their current productivity or skill level in any particular activity, are all extremely rewarding, meaningful and important.

If you don’t actually mean ‘all voices welcome,’ don’t say it!! Say what you mean, and then do that. If you mean ‘no auditions, but you do need to already have good pitching skills in place,’ for example, then say that – don’t say all voices and then exclude some people. Integrity, people!

And singers – don’t ask your leaders to break their integrity. If they’ve said ‘all voices welcome’, don’t ask them to ask people to leave. It’s disrespectful on so many levels!

Also, if your choir leader is a professional, running a business, and with a responsibility to take care of the voices of a group of people, don’t complain about them taking the time to warm you up, or object to them allowing new people to be included in the group. Inviting new people into the choir (if it’s not at full capacity) will be essential for keeping the choir afloat financially, and will help make it viable for your leader to continue teaching and running the group. More people getting involved also means a stronger chance of all the harmony parts staying solid! Some choirs run as ‘closed groups’ with only a few specific sessions where new people can join that term; some run as drop in only, just as workshops; some run as ongoing groups where dropping in and out as needed is fine, and there is also a core of regulars who keep the continuity; and some run in other ways! If your leader has been clear from the outset about the joining process, and who the choir is for, don’t ask them to suddenly break their word about it!

The shifting, changing and growing nature of community groups is fascinating and fun, and of course individuals will enjoy the mix of people at some times more than others. That’s the reality of a group in which drop ins are allowed, and newcomers are welcomed throughout most of the term; and to be honest, any kind of group where people are involved! I love the newcomer drop ins – they often tend to come at a time when half the choir has a cold / a wedding to attend / some other commitment, and in the group that I run, they really keep the numbers up and make the harmonies possible each week! As well as bringing new and interesting humans into the group. So, do of course feel free to give feedback to your group leaders about ways to improve what they do! But know that objecting anytime that new people join the group (if the group management has explicitly stated from the outset that newcomers are welcome throughout most of the term), isn’t going to be well received.

That’s not to say that long term suggestions about how a group is run aren’t welcome – in fact they can be very helpful in growing a choir and alerting organisers to possibilities they hadn’t thought of. I’m very grateful to everyone who has given me feedback about how I run things, that means I now offer a better service! From set-up matters (like leaving small gaps in a circle of chairs for people to walk through), to publicity matters (like being explicit in publicity about exactly how much of the profits of a charity concert will go to that charity), to technology (like the usefulness of a facebook poll to choose colour schemes for choir concerts), to inclusion (like adding a ‘my pronouns are’ option in the introductions bit). Those are all things that seem obvious to me now and have much improved how I do what I do – but until they were suggested to me, I hadn’t thought of doing them, and wasn’t aware of the positive difference they would make! Co-creating aspects of a community choir by receiving feedback and making good use of helpful suggestions, ideas and and creativity, is part of the joy of the community aspect of a community choir!

However, there’s a big difference between suggesting small/creative tweaks to improve the running of things, and asking someone to betray the ethos they have set up, and are committed to as a professional.

If a group member’s suggestion goes completely against the nature of the group that’s been set up, it’s not going to be helpful, just a hassle! If an NVN leader has said that all voices are welcome, don’t ask them to suddenly start excluding people! You would be disrespecting their integrity by doing so, and asking them to sabotage their professional set up. If you want to be part of a group where skill-levels are policed, newcomers and beginners are not allowed, and you control who comes to the choir – start your own (non-NVN) group! Don’t ask your leader to go back on their word, especially if it means asking them to break their professional code (see NVN Codes of Practice), and basically also means asking them to bully people out of a group that had said it would be welcoming.

It’s very very rare that I will ask somebody not to come to an NVN choir that I’m running. The only instances where that has happened are where individuals have been aggressive or very inappropriate with me, eg asking me to be romantically/sexually involved with them and becoming extremely aggressive when I say no; circumstances in which allowing them to return would jeopardise my ability to do my job and feel comfortable and safe, and might potentially threaten the safety of the other people in the group, were they to repeat this behaviour to others. So for me the only real caveat to the principle of ‘all voices are welcome’, is where the safety of the group leader and the singers are threatened.

Back to the warm ups! Warm ups are essential for healthy vocal use, and a well trained leader who cares about their singers won’t leave them out. They might seem silly, but they are all there for a purpose! If an excercise isn’t working for you or is physically painful, stop, don’t do it, and join back in at the next one. If you don’t understand the point of an excercise, try asking your leader (when they’re not teaching), about what that warm up is for. Or google it – there’s a treasure trove of (mixed quality) vocal information on the internet now! Most of all though, if your leader is an experienced and trained professional, trust them and give things a try. If it’s not hurting your voice or causing you harm, and they are a good teacher, it’s probably going to be good for your voice!

Integrity. People should do what they say on the tin! Back to the ‘all voices welcome’ point, because I love a reprise – if a choir says it is for all voices, then it should be for all voices! If a choir states ‘all voices welcome’, but means, ‘all voices welcome unless we don’t like your voice’ – there’s no integrity in that. If there are vocal or musical skill level conditions for joining – don’t say that there aren’t!

Integrity in other contexts than vocal: the LGBTQ+ world/scene needs to take a look at this! If an organisation says it is for LGBTQ+ people, then that’s what it should be. Sadly, a lot of organisations and meet up groups state LGBTQ+, when they actually mean ‘LG only’. Biphobia, transphobia, and general objections to and policing of the rest of the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, are rife. If something is not welcoming to the whole umbrella of identities – don’t state that it is! If you mean to include only people who identify as lesbian or gay – state that! Don’t mislead Bi, Trans, Queer, and other gender and sexual identities, to think that they’d be welcome and have a safe haven from prejudice, only to make them feel unwelcome and unsafe. I’ve seen this in too many community groups and it’s another example of careless use of words, and lack of integrity (and lack of compassion, in many cases).

I’ve even had it happen in a group that I was running, which I had stated clearly was for LGBTQ+ and Allies, that a few of the members displayed biphobia towards me when I was dating a man; and my ‘credibility’ as somebody leading an LGBTQ+ and Allies group (not an LG group, an LGBTQ+ and Allies group – just let that sink in), was questioned. It was suggested that I just lead a ‘normal choir’ that’s not for LGBTQ+ & Allies. A few people even had the audacity to tell me what gender of person I should be dating. A few people started to refer to me as an Ally, as if I had become straight (Nota Bene – a person who identifies as Bisexual doesn’t become straight or gay when they are dating a woman or a man, they are still bisexual whomever they are dating, whether they are single, dating a non binary person, a trans person, a cis man or a cis woman, anybody else or nobody at all. If they identify as Bi, they are still Bi!). Even within a safe space that I had created, explicitly for LGBTQ+ people and Allies (all those letters count, and I mean every single one with integrity), the assumption that LGBTQ+ can be used to mean only LG, was present; and some people assumed that biphobia, transphobia and other aggressions would be acceptable within that space. It was very uncomfortable and distressing – because my identity, my professional survival, and my social survival, were all being threatened.

The way I dealt with it was to lean into my integrity.

As a visibly bisexual person (at that point anyway, due to my position as leader of an LGBTQ+ and Allies group, and my two most recent sexual partners having had different gender identities to each other), I could (and still can) challenge biphobia by continuing to run and be part of LGBTQ+ groups, regardless of who I am dating or not dating at any given time.

As somebody who has stated that Trans, Queer and all others under the broad umbrella of gender and sexual identities are explicitly welcome at my group, I can work to learn more about the people I am running the group for, and how best to make the space safe and good for them. For example, as suggested helpfully by a few group members, introducing an optional ‘my pronouns are’ aspect to the group check-ins, that people can state if they want to, encouraging people to question their assumptions about other peoples’ genders, and encouraging respect for the diversity of people and identities that I have welcomed in. Also, seeking out LGBTQ+ supportive literature and bringing it to the group, to help increase understanding between people who identify differently from each other.

As somebody who has stated that allies are welcome, I can make sure that allies feel welcome, and that what I have stated is a group for LGBTQ+ people and Allies, is not actually an exclusive club for only LG people, mislabelling itself (see a few paragraphs down for an example of this in action!).

Being subject to quite strong biphobia from within the group I had created, within the supposed queer safe haven of Brighton, as well as from society at large, and also from within my relationship at the time (with a straight cis man), was hugely stressful and took a great toll on my health (which was also a challenge at the time, as I had caught a very strong and unpleasant virus, which kick started the chronic illness I am still managing today).

What came out of it all for me was, the strength of integrity. I stood my ground and said ‘this is what I’m holding, I mean what I’ve said, I have a right to be here, and this is how it’s going to carry on.’ Which was hard work!

And what has grown out of that, is a beautiful atmosphere of respect and diversity, and a safe space in which people can, I hope, feel safe to be themselves. I think people are learning about each other at the group I run, and I am proud that the uniting factor of this group is not that we are all the same as each other (because we aren’t), but that we are supportive and celebratory of each other, that we respect each other, and that we are supportive and celebratory of all the identities on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, and can enjoy learning and growing as a community.

Another example of how integrity can commonly be lacking in LGBTQ+ community groups – is stating that Allies are welcome, and then not actually meaning that Allies are welcome. In my opinion, someone is either welcome or they are not – half welcome isn’t really welcoming at all. I had a situation with a group I run where, despite having stated from the outset that the group is for LGBTQ+ people and Allies, a few people started asking me to ‘police’ people’s sexuality. This kind of gatekeeping (and invasive questioning!) is utterly not how I intend to treat people, and asking me to break my integrity about this was incredibly disrespectful.

I was asked to ‘police’ how many Allies we had, and to make sure that there weren’t ‘too many allies’, which I think as a concept in itself is extremely problematic – the more allies in the world, the better! And the world is right here, this is part of the world! I can’t, with integrity, state that ‘LGBTQ+ people and Allies’ are welcome, and then counter that by saying to potential members ‘but we’ve already taken a compulsory survey of everyone’s sexuality (ugh) and have enough allies, so don’t be our ally, go away you’re not welcome’. It just doesn’t work like that!! To say that I’d have to be 1. Lying in my publicity where I said Allies are welcome. 2. Rude. 3. Not myself.

Policing of allies also doesn’t allow for the fact that some people might not know yet how they identify, but want to be part of something that supports people loving who they love, and being who they are. The last thing I would ever want is for people to start having ‘prove how gay they are’, to be part of a group I’ve stated explicitly is for the whole spectrum of LGBTQ+, and for Allies, together. It’s just so lacking in integrity, and not at all the offering I intend to make to the world.

Anyway, the whole situation of being asked to break my integrity in these ways, was very uncomfortable. So I laid down the rules again about what I’m holding, very explicitly on the publicity, and implied ‘look, this is what I’ve said I’m creating. This is the space I’m continuing to hold. And this is how I intend to continue.’ Making things extra extra clear (eg stating more than once on the flier about the inclusivity policies), has meant that people know where they stand, and people are no longer asking me to break my integrity on that aspect. And people who wanted something different have gone elsewhere – that’s fine! And quite right – if you know what you’re looking for and what someone’s offering isn’t it, and isn’t going to become it, go elsewhere!

So basically, community group leaders and organisers, if you say your group is for LGBTQ+ people and Allies, you should mean it and enact it! Find ways to think about the needs of all the different identities of people you have stated that your group is for, and do your best to make them feel welcome, and to create an atmosphere in which respect for difference flourishes. If you actually mean ‘LG only’, then be explicit about that! Don’t use the LGBTQ+ acronym, or state ‘and Allies,’  if you don’t mean it!

Integrity. It’s worth reflecting on in many aspects of life, outside of the two main examples above. For example, the way people engage with animal industries can highlight a lack of integrity, or a dissonance, present in many people and in our culture. E.g., saying that you are an ‘animal lover’, but also buying meat, dairy and eggs, is (in my opinion) a dissonance, a lack of integrity. Paying for the continuance of a painfully cruel industry, but stating that you love the creatures you are paying to be tortured and killed. There is no integrity in that. It’s what most of the world is initially culturally conditioned to do, but as soon as you are aware enough to start asking questions, it becomes clear that you cannot state with integrity that you have love and compassion for non-human animals, and still support their murder and torture.

Yes, humans are oxymorons, we don’t always make sense, and we very much have a right to change our minds! But integrity is something I highly value and respect, and I think that more widespread reflection on and enactment of it would do the world a lot of good.

What examples can you think of where integrity might be helpful to reflect on, for you or for others?

Brainstorming some more… If someone asks you to do something, and you don’t want to do it, say no. There’s no reason to be rude/hurtful – if you don’t like someone you don’t have to say ‘I don’t like you’ or ‘you’re not my priority’. But if you mean no, and you say yes, you’re starting things off on a very bad foot.

I’m quite bad at this when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships. Something about the social training/conditioning that people (especially women) get, and wanting to be a ‘good girlfriend’ (don’t get me started on the infantilisation of using the terms ‘girl-friend’ and ‘boy-friend’ for other adults only if you are sexual with each other – so gross!), makes it a lot harder to say ‘no I don’t want that / I don’t want to do that’ than it should be.

‘I don’t want to’ should always be a good enough reason not to do something! Obviously with some exceptions, where responsibilities have already been taken on, eg parenting (you might not always want to pick up your child from school but it still needs to happen!). But in general social situations, in terms of saying yes or no to things, try practising being polite but honest. If someone asks you to meet up, but you are feeling overwhelmed and overbooked, make sure you say what you mean! Sure, say it nicely, it’s important to leave people feeling good where you can, but don’t straight up lie, then do stuff you don’t want to do, and then resent it. I think it usually comes out in weird ways if you let too much of that build up.

Integrity is certainly not the same as rigidity, or having to know all the answers, or having your ethical code set in stone and not open to growth and change. That is not integrity. In fact, I think an important part of the depth of human integrity is being able to say honestly, “I don’t know,” or “I was wrong about that,” or “I need some time to think about that.” If we are to develop, we must be constantly learning and updating our understanding of the world, and hence our personal moral compass, and our current beliefs and wishes. If everyone stuck rigidly to what they thought was right, without ever considering new ideas, bigots would never rethink their views on the existence of people they believe should be oppressed. Integrity isn’t being stuck in the mud, rigidly glued to an idea – it’s having a backbone about your beliefs and your choices, whilst also having open ears to new ideas, and to other people’s experiences.

Integrity is being clear about what you currently believe to be right, being clear about what you currently do and don’t want to do, and being willing to stand by that. It is also being open to considering change, open to giving a yes or a no to specific changes, and able to express clearly your current intentions and wishes. I think it should probably include a healthy dose of respect for other people too!

Integrity. A few ‘google define’ searches define it as: “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.” And “Integrity means following your moral or ethical convictions and doing the right thing in all circumstances, even if no one is watching you. Having integrity means you are true to yourself and would do nothing that demeans or dishonors you.”

It isn’t always easy to keep one’s integrity; especially when there is peer pressure, inner confusion, exhaustion, one’s social conditioning, a manic desire to people-please, new concepts to get your mind around, social media madness etc. But to reflect upon integrity and to act accordingly, is a wonderful thing, and part of the brilliance of being human.

I hope these thoughts about integrity have given you food for thought.

For other opinionated but hopefully helpful and encouraging words, see my ebook of advice and encouragement for new yoga teachers, put together by Jude Murray. Warning! Contains Advice! Words of wisdom for new yoga teachers, by Hannah-Rose Tristram.